


So Many Things....

by Michael_is_Weird



Category: Be More Chill/Joe Iconis
Genre: F/M, FTM, Gay Michael Mell, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Jeremy Heere, Trans Male Character, boyf riends - Freeform, no squip au, panic/anxiety attacks, vent fic, wrote this instead of sleeping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-26 19:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13864881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Michael_is_Weird/pseuds/Michael_is_Weird
Summary: There's just so many things overwhelming Jeremy's mind.... he doesn't know what to do anymore.  His thoughts are like raging waterfalls. Constantly going and never ending. So Jeremy decides to get some advice from Christine, and with her help, he is finally able to tell Michael what has been running through his raging mind.





	1. Wrong...

**Author's Note:**

> I just need a way to express myself, and this is the best way for me too so yeah... I'm also basing Jeremy's body off of my own, along with my experience, and my horrible anxiety. Anyway this fic takes place before, during, and after their sophomore year of highschool.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the help of Christine, Jeremy is able to tell Michael what's on his mind.

Jeremy swallowed harshly as he stared at the screen of his phone. He was waiting for Christine to respond to his text. His mind was racing again, and he didn't know if he could deal with it anymore. You see, Jeremy, wasn't really a Jeremy at all... or rather, his body wasn't what it was supposed to be... and he hated it. While his father tried his best to understand how Jeremy felt (and help him as much as he could), his mother hated it. She was always reminding him that he will forever a female, she would always tell him to act like a girl, or whenever he would misbehave threaten to put him in a dress and take away all of his "boy clothes".

He knew his body wasn't what he needed it to be to be. He knew that, even though his chest wasn't that big, he still knew that he wouldn't be comfortable until he could permanently get rid of them. He KNEW his body wasn't a man's body. He knew that, but whenever his mother came to pick him up or visit him and his father, he couldn't help but listen to every hateful word that came out of her mouth. But whenever his mother always decided to show up, she would always say things that would give him a panic or anxiety attack as soon as she left. 

There was only two days before school started, and of course, when he's the most anxious, his mother deicides that's the perfect time to show up and torment him. That is, until his father had heard enough, and the two got into an argument. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he typed a response to Christine.

_J > You are the only one out of my friends who know... I can't handle being called a girl when I'm not! But i don't wanna loose any friends..._

_C > Jeremy, you're not gonna loose any of us k? I think this year you should finally do something about the way you feel, and tell them the name you chose for yourself_

Jeremy sighed, as always Christine was right.

_J > But what if everyone doesn't wanna talk to me anymore? I don't even know if I'm ready to have other's know about this... You and my dad are the only ones who really know and accept the way i wanna be, but I don't know how everyone else is gonna react..._

_C > Jeremy, trust me, it's gonna be fine. You have nothing to worry about. I know that everyone is always gonna stick by you no matter what._

_J > yeah... you're right_

_C >Of course I'm right! I'm always right_

Jeremy chuckled.

_J >thanks Christine_

_C >no prob! anyway i gotta go, talk to you later_

_J > Bye_

_C > Bye Jere! See you sooooon!_

 

Jeremy quickly got up and grabbed a tissue, and wiped his face. Then he got off his bed and went to go find something to eat. 

"Hey dad?" Jeremy said as he walked down the stairs.

"What'cha need need kiddo?" His father replied. 

"Can I go to Michael's?"

Jeremy's father seemed to think for a moment, then decided that his son deserved it. He seemed like he could use a break. "I don't mind, just be back home by 8 okay?" 

"Got it," Jeremy called back as he walked out of the house, and began walking down the street towards Michael's house.

 

Jeremy stood at Michael's front door. He knew he was stalling, he hadn't told hadn't told his best friend for twelve years, something that has been bothering him since middle school. Finally he sighed and knocked on the door, and just as fast as he knocked, Michael answered it quickly.

"Hey Miah." Michael said, noticing how Jeremy winced at his greeting. "What's up?"

Jeremy's hands began to shake slightly as he spoke. "Umm, can we talk?"

"Yeah sure," Michael motioned him inside. "Come on, we came talk up in my room."

Jeremy followed Michael to his bed room, and sat on his friend's bed, while Michael sat on his bean bag chair.

"So what do you want to tell me?" Michael asked.

"Um... I would. I would," Jeremy took a large breathe in an attempt to calm his nerves. "I would really, REally like to be called Jeremy!" He said quickly.

Michael didn't respond, and Jeremy began to tear up and his body began shaking. 

"So... You wanna use male pronouns?" Michael asked slowly.

"Y-yes... I would like to be referred to as a male" Jeremy responded, wiping the tears off his face.

"You chose the name Jeremy?"

Jeremy nodded.

"Might take me awhile, but I'll get it eventually," Michael said, getting up and sitting down next to Jeremy. "You alright?" 

Jeremy took a deep breathe. "Y-yeah... It's just... I'm so glad you didn't freak out dude." Jeremy huffed.

Michael chuckled. "I can imagine... Hug?" Michael offered.

Jeremy nodded and hugged his friend. "Th-thank you..."  
  
"No problem dude." Michael replied.


	2. Oh God...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy decides he wants to tell his teachers. The only thing is.... he's totally freaking out, and over thinking everything...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is still a work in progress.... also this is not completed btw  
> also idea's and comments are appreciated!

Jeremy was freaking out. School had just started, and his teachers keep referring him as Miah. Which made him super uncomfortable. There was no way he would be able to tell his teachers the information they needed to know without having what some would call a mini heart attack. In other words, he couldn't (or rather he wouldn't), do it on his own. He knew that much for sure, but what bothered him the most... Was the fact that he was the kind of person who didn't like asking for help. He was the kind of person who wanted to prove that he can do things on his own.

As the class was working on their papers, the teacher walked towards him, a concerned look resting on her face. When she reached Jeremy's desk, she gently placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Hey Miah..." She said softly. 

Jeremy felt like he was about to cry right then and there. He could already feel tears threatening to fall down his cheeks.

"Hey..." Her voice was soft. "Why don't you come out into the hallway with me so we can talk, alright?" 

Jeremy thought for a moment. Tears streaming down his cheeks, and the fact that he didn't want people to see him crying, helped him make his decision. 

Jeremy nodded and followed his teacher into the hall. Luckily his classroom was right by the lunch room, so at least they could sit down and talk.

"So," she said as she sat down, "what's going on?"

Jeremy swallowed hard. He knew he needed to tell his teachers, but he didn't want it to happen like this.

"Miah... I need you to tell me," she said in a soft, stern voice.

"I-I.... I um.." He stuttered, trying to find his words.

"It's okay, take your time."

Jeremy took a deep breathe. "Um... W-well over the summer, I... I um... I realized that I'm not a girl..." Jeremy told her.

when he looked up from the floor to look at his teachers expression. She had a huge smile on her face.

"Oh my..." She smiled. "Do you have a name?" She asked.

"Y-yeah, it's Jeremy..." Jeremy responded.

His teacher continued to smile. "Well then... Congratulations Jeremy." She sounded like she was proud of him, and she was.

"I know this might be weird for me to say but, I am proud of you for telling me, and if you need help with anything just let me know." 

Jeremy looked confused. He was confused... He was confused for two reasons. One, why does his imagination get the best of him, and why does he always expect the worst out of every situation? Two, why was his teacher so happy for him?

.

.

.

Okay well technically that's tree [Lol, meant to say three but... tree is better] reasons, but still! He was not expecting this kind of reaction from his teacher! 

"Don't give me that look," she chuckled. "I may have not had the same experience and problems as you, but I know what it feels like to be uncomfortable and unhappy with your body."

"You mean..." Jeremy seemed to struggle to find the right words.

"Yes," she responded confidently. "And I mean it. If you need help with anything, or just need someone to talk to, I'm always here. Got it?" She raised an eyebrow in a questioning manor.

Jeremy simply nodded, confused on what had just happened. 


	3. Not Mine....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy had been finally feeling like himself, and he's more confident. But something decides to come and visit him, reminding Jeremy that he's not what he needs to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter is gonna be a little gross. Well kind of...  
> This chapter talks about a certain thing that makes me super uncomfortable with my body, and the horrible amount of anxiety it causes me. And also bathrooms....  
> i hate them right now.....  
> It's also gonna be a little sad...

Jeremy sat in the bathroom at his house, nearly bursting into tears as he sat. He hated his body. He had finally felt like himself, and his body decided to along come and betray him. 

"Shit.." He whimpered, noticing the blood in his boxers. "DAD!" Jeremy shouted, hoping to get his father's attention. 

Jeremy could hear footsteps coming towards the bathroom. "What do you need kid?" Mr. Heere asked. 

Jeremy sighed. "Can you get me a pair of my "extra pants" please?" 

"Yeah..." his dad replied. 

Jeremy heard his father leave from the door as he went to get Jeremy what he had asked for. A few moments later there was a knock on the bathroom door as it creaked open a bit. 

"Here," Jeremy's dad said quietly, trying not to invade his son's privacy accidentally.

"Thanks," Jeremy replied.

Within a few minutes Jeremy had tried to make himself as comfortable as he could, which was difficult considering his whole body was stiff. He slowly made his way to his bedroom and shut his door....

That's when the much needed tears began streaming onto his cheeks. 

Jeremy let out a choked sob as he laid on his bed. He honestly wanted to die. It was so tempting before, and it was tempting now. Before he had told his family and his friends that he wanted to be called Jeremy, all of the anxiety of not telling others, the anxiety of keeping everything he wanted to say to others, built up. Everything built up to the point where he wanted nothing other than to end it all. 

There were a few times where he had tried, times where had taken to many of his night meds, times where he had taken his pocket knife and held it firmly against his wrist, wishing, just  _wishing_ he had the guts to actually make a cut into his wrist.

Once he had barely eaten anything for almost a week, and only started eating again 'cause his Dad grew worried and threatened that he would take him to the hospital if he continued to not eat. 

Yeah...  

He had wanted to end his life before, but he didn't have the friends he did now. Sure, he had Michael, and he knew that neither of them could survive without one another. But now he had so many more friends, so many people he cared about, he couldn't imagine leaving them. 

But the temptation of ending it all was powerful. 

And when the temptation became to much for him, he always called his lifeline.


	4. Life Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's always that one friend who's always there for you when you need them. There's that one person who you can tell everything to, and they will do their best to try and help you. Even when you tell them things you have never told anyone, because you're to afraid of what others might think. Your terrifying thoughts, your most darkest secret, you know that you can always tell them. You can tell them without being afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, there was a moment where I couldn't hold myself together anymore. I had to tell someone everything that was going through my head at the time. So I started talking to my best friend (Who's helped me through so much, and I can't thank him enough). 
> 
> When I had told him the thoughts I was having, the things that I wanted to do to myself... The walls I had built around myself immediately fell to the ground. My own thoughts were scaring me and when I had finally able to tell someone, I couldn't help but start sobbing. He just listened to me patiently, and let me sob and tell him what was going on with me. When I finished what I had to say, he reminded me that I'm not allowed to go anywhere. He reminded me that I was important to him and that I needed to keep on going. He was there for me when I had anxiety attacks at home, at school, he's the one friend who I can always rely on. He's helped me through so much, and I can't thank him enough for everything he's helped me through. I don't know where I would be without him. 
> 
> He's my Life Line, and he will always be my number one friend. Thank you, I would be lost without you, and I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like you.

(Chapter is still in progress)

 

 Jeremy had stayed home one day, the dysphoria had seemed to claim him and his emotions. He felt like he was floating in a void and there was no one to keep him from floating away from reality. He hated the feeling of knowing that his body was wrong. His body was so wrong and there was nothing he could do about it. The only thing he could do was wish and dream of a better body. But even doing that still hurt. It always hurt.. It was always so painful dealing with something no one else really understood. They could try and understand, and they could try and help him... But no matter what they tried, it was always the same result in the end. He was always left with his thoughts, he was left with the thoughts that drove him mad. 

When Jeremy realized his best friend was standing at the entryway of his bedroom door. He let the tears, the tears he had been holding in for so long, finally fall. 

"It's okay Jere... Come here, I got you..." Michael said softly as he pulled his friend into a hug. 

Michael's heart sank as he held his friend close to him. He couldn't help but get teary eyed himself. His best friend was living in a constant state of war. A war that seemed never ending. A battle between his mind and his body. But for now it seemed that it was always his mind who ends up winning every fight, and Jeremy has deal with it seemingly all on his own. 

Michael's grip around Jeremy tightened. "Jere," Michael said softly. "Tell me what's going on. The only way I can help you, is if you tell me what's going through your head..."

Jeremy sniffled. "Everything about me is wrong.. Mike.." Jeremy's hold on Michael's hoodie tightened as he took in a breathe. "I can't.. can't deal with it sometimes. My thoughts constantly run through my mind. They won't stop reminding... Re-reminding me that my body..." Jeremy gulped in air as he cried. "Reminding me th-that my body is wrong, that it will never truly be _my_ body... I hear the-th-them saying  _a boy doesn't do this,_  and _a boy doesn't do that,_  and I-I can't.. I can't handle it anymore!"

Jeremy seemingly had a death grip on Michael. To Michael, it was like Jeremy's life  depended on it. In Jeremy's mind... it did. He felt that if he were let go of Michael, he would be giving up on the part that made him Jeremy. He felt that if he did that, he was giving up all the things he had done for himself, what he had done to help him get through high school and so on, go... He wasn't going to give up that easily.

"Jeremy, I promised you that I was going to help you through every single thing life planned on throwing at you, and I meant it.. I'm going to be _heere_  for you no matter what." 

Jeremy had managed a small chuckle at Michael's little joke. 

"R-really Mike?" He sniffed, wiping his eyes with his sleeves.

"You bet." Michael responded quietly. "Need to help my favorite person feel better about himself." He smiled.

Jeremy held Michael tighter, afraid he might let go of his best friend. "Thank you." 

"Yeah dude, I'm always gonna be here for you." 

"No, seriously Mike," Jeremy's eyes began to water again. "If you hadn't came over I'd probably would be thinking.. what is.. Well, unpleasant thoughts... "

At this point Jeremy was full on crying. He was afraid his friend wouldn't get what he was trying to say. He was afraid of what his friend was going to say to him if he did. Jeremy couldn't help the fact that his mind immediately went into self destruct mode when he was alone. It wasn't his fault his anxiety and dysphoria took control of his thoughts and wouldn't let go. He couldn't help that his body was wrong. He knows what he's supposed to be, but his body and mind kept tormenting him and reminding him that he was wrong. 

"Jeremy.." Michael's voice cut into his thoughts. 

"Suh-suh-sorry..." Jeremy sniffed.

"It's okay, I understand." Michael said softly. "Sometimes your mind likes to run off on its own."

"Yeah.." Jeremy breathed. 

"Listen Jeremy..." Michael held Jeremy's face close to his. "I'm always gonna be here for you, just like I know you are always gonna be there for me." Michael's eyes began to water. "You and I, we are two peas in a pod, we always know we have each others backs... We know who we can rely on when we need that extra push."

"Dude.." Jeremy choked in a sob. "Don't get all sappy with me," he wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "It's gross." Jeremy laughed through his tears.

Michael pulled Jeremy into a suffocating hug.  

"You're my best friend dude..." 


	5. Bright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all have those moments where things are going well, and it feels like nothing can change the excitement or happiness we are feeling because it's so powerful at that moment. Our future looks like it will go the way we planned, perfect, and right. But for some reason we forget, that something will always come along to destroy the current happiness or relief that we are feeling in that moment. And all we can do is fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please keep in mind that i'm just starting this chapter so it may not be full complete until the end of this month

It had been at least a month since Jeremy had confessed his thoughts to Michael, and since then they began spending even more time together then they already had. 


End file.
